Stephanie in Suwon

12 months since returning to Canada. 11 and a half weeks of teaching Gold reading, Gold writing, Master reading, Master writing, and 100 Classics to a bunch of kids who probably had more money in their bank accounts at the age of 16 then I have in mine at this very moment…summertiiiiiiiiime….and the livin is eaaasssyyyyyyyyy………. 10 thousand reminders why coming home was the right thing to do and how lucky I am every day to be where I am choosing to be. 9 thousand, 9 hundred and 99 reminders of how my experiences overseas have forever changed me and how unbelievably fortunate I am to have been able to do what I did. 8 courses in my first semester….conveniently leading into….. 7 nervous breakdowns…which is actually a record low for me……also my lucky number….. 6: The average number of times a day I wonder if the people around me have figured out that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing….. 5 days a week at the gym + walking EVERYWHERE + up and down 6 flights of stairs every day at work + ...

Lets’ take stock shall we? Snow, snow and more snow. Mom and Dad, the sound of the espresso machine and sleeping in a single bed. New places, new faces, same job, same desire to blow my brains all over the computer screen I sat in front of each and every day. Walking away. Rainbow corsets and Buddy Holly glasses. Beautiful Disaster. Reconnecting with Holli Day. The Calgary International Airport. Love. Confusion, inner struggles, tears and red wine. Skinny hazelnut lattes and banana chocolate chip cake. One job, two jobs, three jobs, four. Picking myself up from the floor. Skype. Hardwood floors, electric kettles and the smell of spring. The green neon. Greek Salad. Dirty Dancing. Butterflies. Red wine, shisha and 5am. Falling, falling….. Love. SK. The smell of the streets. Saying goodbye. I Could Say. TPR. Vogue Slims and Cafri. Saus. Skype. Broken Strings. Desire. The Heart of Life. End of the tunnel. Love. Amy. 29. Smashed and shattered. SAIT. Band-aids and broken hearts. Brunches at...

Vanilla Noir. Red wine. Fake Plastic Trees. VDEO 235. Cambodia. Passion. Coffee. White rims. Purple pens. Audio. Sample sale nails. Red and green. Pin-up. The Missing Piece. Dirty snow. Starbucks. Red underwear. Jason Mraz. Silver Belles. NYC. Wintertime maintenance.. Bing Crosby. Memories. Band-Aids. Broken hearts. ....who you wanted...... I look like the real thing……. I taste like the real thing…….

I've been missing this, truly. School will be done in less than a week and my blessed, well-deserved and much-needed Christmas vacation shall commence. I shall indulge myself at that point. Until then......... ...long as I am erasing this there's something i am bound to miss opportunities exist but often don't arise and think of how it must have felt to watch you walk away and melt i keep it all inside myself and in between my eyes and it's no surprise what we've become since the arrival has begun it hasn't been long enough to even begin to think it's alright i'm only concerned with the way we end up i think i've been wrong enough to know when i'm right so put up fight if you must but we know that our trust is undone it hasn't been long enough i feel as if i spoke too soon and ruined the whole afternoon a feeling that we're more than doomed is creeping up inside and good as it was bound to be there's something about you and me it'...

As of late….. …I’ve been missing this. Writing. Full glass of wine to my left, Radiohead in my speakers, my jumbled, fucked up thoughts somehow congealing into something resembling sense and pouring out of my fingers onto a keyboard and into cyberspace…words snatched from my mouth, my mind…my small vulnerable contribution….. …I made a new friend. Her name is Harley… …School is the same mess of hoops, smoke and mirrors it has seemed since the beginning. The days fly by in a flurry of lectures, laptops, and lucky guesses. Stolen moments on Facebook in class, the pressures of professionalism and the company of three people I can only hope will flourish under fluorescent lights, fueled by coffee, laughter and weekend brunches… …I am anxiously anticipating my return to the stage. The feeling of a script in my hands again is so delicious it’s sinful…delving into the layers of a character, discussing motivations and emotional depth, verbing lines and breathing in the smell of a rehearsal spac...

Understatements of the century shall include but are not limited to the following: 1) Things have been busy. 2) I’ve been thinking……. 3) Wait, wait now…..I’m confused. 4) Red wine is a good thing. 5) I’m one of the luckiest girls in the world. Life post-Korea is nothing that I thought it would be, could be, should be. It is more and less at the exact same time. It is more confusing then I thought it would be, full of strange contradictions that leave me breathless at times. There are moments I downright long for Asia and its mixture of reliable frustration and insanity. There are moments I count my lucky stars that I made it home when I did and knew that the time had come to say goodbye. And then there are the moments that I feel gobsmaked by the overwhelming pull I feel in both directions. Travel is a potent drug, and the realization, nay, the knowledge that a change, an adventure, an escape is as simple as a plane ticket away can be an intoxicating inclination. Mucking your way thro...

Seoul. On the subway the day I left..... Sad eyes and awkward goodbyes. Sure yet not. Park benches, Cafri, and cigarettes. Laughter. Head electric, heart swirling. Alone. Content. Gangnam. Coffee bean & Tea leaf...one last time. Familiar smiles and that same blue shirt. Disappearing into crowds and watching you do the same. ..You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize When he catches his reflection on accident On the back of a motor bike With your arms outstretched trying to take flight Leaving everything behind But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete In the city where we still reside. And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men Cause now we s...