Stephanie in Suwon

For someone who has little to no qualms about being the centre of attention for much of the time, the feelings that come with not wanting to be observed are confusing at best, and a startling emotional rollercoaster at worst. I’m not talking about the simple desire to be left alone or to have some space for oneself, I’m talking about the desire to disappear. To vanish. I used to fantasize sometimes about what my life could look like if I ever had the ovaries to do just that. To fully act out and make it happen. To pack up in the middle of the night, skedaddle style, and just leave. Everything. People, pets, relationships, family, everything. I used to imagine traveling a long distance just to end up in a small town somewhere around the city of Nowhere on the outskirts of God Only Knows. I saw myself finding a small apartment where I would keep to myself and the neighbours would only know me as that lady who plays Miles Davis late into the night and has a bulk membership to the loc...

I have often felt comfortable in the midst of organized chaos. I have always, sub-consciously or otherwise, been drawn to it. New York city, the home of my heart. Seoul; the city I never knew I loved until I felt its indescribable pull and energy. How I miss it. The flurry of friendships and activities I have always immersed myself in. Work, school, classes, friends, family, dinners, teas, drinks, parties, plays, running, yoga, gym, Skype , books, wine, laughter. Sleep was always a secondary thought. A passing fancy. Something others needed but not me. Things are different now. In so many ways. Writing used to feel different. Words were a comfort, and ever flowing. I blended sarcasm and the meaning of life like it was a strawberry margarita. It feels different now. Stilted, rusty. I miss my voice. Once upon a time, many years ago, I was an artist, an actor. I often feel I have lost my way. That I am scattered, adrift. That my passion has dissolved into the color that is the r...