Getting my s@*t together?

After the initial Oh-My-Freaking-Lord-Above-We’re-Home feeling wore off, I began setting about the task of re-orientating myself with the place I had missed so much over the past year. Christmas makes everything better really, and the first few weeks I was home were jam-packed with gatherings of friends, welcome home parties (Thanks Guys!!), quiet nights with the family, Christmas parties, and huge feasts where I proceeded to gorge myself on fare I had dearly missed during my time abroad.
It goes without saying that all of the aforementioned activities were proceeded by, went with, and were often followed by copious amounts of alcohol. I think it’s a fair assessment for me to say that I spent most of December half-cut. Or fully-cut. Whatever.

I also threw myself headfirst back into my burlesque troupe, and somehow found myself MC-ing our Christmas fundraiser, learning a new group number, while choreographing a new solo all within 3 weeks of me actually stepping off the tarmac at YYC. To anyone else this might have caused a wee bit of stress. Luckily, my theatre degree supplied me with the knowledge and experience to manage and properly channel stress to maximize creativity and efficiency.
See what you do is, take all the negative emotions you have and ball them up into one giant knot of black, nervous energy. You shove it down, deep down into your stomach where no one can see it and then proceed to drown it with large amounts of booze that you will drink until you don’t feel feelings anymore.
Man that student loan really paid off! How else would I know how to deal with the fact that even after a year in Asia I’m still in debt up to my eyeballs to the Canadian government?
Did I mention I spent the majority of December tipsy?
I digress.

The point I’m trying to ineloquently make is this; in the flurry and excitement of the holiday season, amidst my many reunions I was joyfully having, the reality of the situation I was actually in escaped me, that being, I was actually home. I was no longer daydreaming about what it was going to be like, or what I was actually going to do when I got there, I was there damn it. Which was great….until…you know…that other stuff came along. The whole “job” thing, the whole “ what are you going to do with the rest of your life” thing, the whole “seriously, you’re 28 years old and are living with your parents” thing.
I guess, thinking back, this explains why I spent the majority of January drunk too….
So what did I, being the fearless, strong, intelligent, educated, self-motivated and independent woman that I am, do?
I began to spiral into the early stages of a nervous breakdown, coupled with a massive bout of depression that sent me into a hole so dark and deep the only light I could sometimes see was the one coming on when I would open the refrigerator in the middle of the night.
But AFTER that…
4 months (and more then a few pounds) later, things have somehow seemed to, sort of, maybe, possibly, kind of, tentatively…worked out.

I somehow managed to find, not one, but three jobs that all seem to work around each other and allow me a certain level of freedom as far as my everyday life goes. They are also all somewhat centered around performing/acting/theatre.
I have actually enjoyed living with my parents for this short time, reconnecting with them and my brothers in a way I had always wanted and didn’t know I could have. The acceptance and understanding I received from them surprised me and allowed me to cut my own self some slack, and take a minute to breathe.

The little and sometimes not-so-little things that I like to have in my life, a gym, a car, my own groceries, quiet time for myself, I have somehow managed to receive.

I have, against all odds, become one of 18 individuals out of 400 to be accepted into a post secondary program starting in September. The more I learn about this program, what I will be learning, who I will be learning from and what it’s graduates are doing these days, the more excited I get. The direction I have so been longing for, since deciding that the business of acting might suck out the love I have for it and thinking I should probably find an alternative career in my life, seems to be coming to fruition.
(KNOCK ON WOOD UNIVERSE, YOU HEAR ME????? KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!)

I have made the decision to return to Korea for the summer. I will be with my boyfriend, with my Dee, living in and loving the city I fell for, madly, unexpectantly. The job will be challenging but allow me to return to Canada a wee bit more financially prepared for my plunge into the world of, once again, being able to claim starving student status.

It’s quite incredible, to read this now, to look back on how it’s been, what I’ve done, what I will be doing. If I was someone looking at my life from the outside in, I might actually think that I, Stephanie Morris, had something resembling an idea about what the fuck I’m doing. But I don’t. I didn’t. Sometimes it feels like I never will. Good thing no one knows about this except for me.
And you.
Crap.

Comments

Vivian said…
wow. this post describes exactly how i've been feeling for the past 2 months... a combination of excitement and friends and family, but also a deep sadness and no sense of where i'm heading. finding a job was the best thing though! also tons of drinking involved, haha.

congrats on getting in the program!!!!!
Melvin said…
great to read this ....
thanks for sharing....

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Melvin
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