Visited by three spirits.......

Understatements of the century shall include but are not limited to the following:

1) Things have been busy.

2) I’ve been thinking…….

3) Wait, wait now…..I’m confused.

4) Red wine is a good thing.

5) I’m one of the luckiest girls in the world.

Life post-Korea is nothing that I thought it would be, could be, should be. It is more and less at the exact same time. It is more confusing then I thought it would be, full of strange contradictions that leave me breathless at times. There are moments I downright long for Asia and its mixture of reliable frustration and insanity. There are moments I count my lucky stars that I made it home when I did and knew that the time had come to say goodbye. And then there are the moments that I feel gobsmaked by the overwhelming pull I feel in both directions. Travel is a potent drug, and the realization, nay, the knowledge that a change, an adventure, an escape is as simple as a plane ticket away can be an intoxicating inclination. Mucking your way through a snowstorm at 7am can make the recollection of those beaches in Thailand downright painful. Feeling as though you are drowning can make you long for the days when you thought that treading water was the worst thing in the world. Or vice versa for that matter.

It’s one of life cruel ironies that hindsight is always 20/20 and foresight can be like trying to see through a brick wall by slamming your face through it. It’s the present that can, at times, seem the biggest mystery, to me anyway. The reality of not being able to see the bigger picture, the reasons why things seem to unfold the way they do. It’s fucking frustrating and I don’t like it.

The idea of being present is a new one to me. Revolutionary one might say. The simple concept of neither examining the past to ensure you’ve garnered all the life lessons you can out of past experiences, nor craning forward into the next phase in your life, squinting into the sun as you try to single-handedly catch all those curve balls that are racing towards your stupid blonde head. But maybe, just maybe, stopping to take a look around at what you’ve got going on in the here and now. Rolling up your sleeves and digging into what you’re doing now. Today. Dealing with the mistakes you make as you make them and trying not to beat yourself up for them…always forward….and onward.

Korea gave me, among other things, a chance to stop and examine what I wanted my future to look like, to be. I kept waiting, longing for that “future” to start, sometimes hating where I was at that moment, so intent was I on where I thought I wanted to be. And now that I’m here, in this “future” I so wanted, I find myself reexamining my time in Korea.

Never present.
A problem.

There are things I miss, people I miss.
There are things in my life that frustrate me, anger me, make me want to cry.
There are questions I have no answers to and places that I want to go to but am unsure as to the how. The when. The why.

These are three truths that were present in my life pre-Korea, during Korea and now, post-Korea.

So what?

What else has been present this whole time?
What, in my sweet, sweet life, is unique to now?
And, perhaps the most significant question of all…..
How can I incorporate massive amount of red wine into each and every occasion that falls into either of those categories?!?

Comments

Vivian said…
I thought surviving Korea was the most challenging thing I've ever had to go through. Little did I know that the aftermath would be even harder... the real challenge comes after. But we're good. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

And red wine definitely helps. Lots of it. :)
October 20, 2009 at 8:45 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

And so it goes…..

Image
The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, the kind that makes you feel exhilarated and high one minute, and downright nauseous the next. Life continues to surprise me, even in my old, old age. It’s always been my personal belief that unless you learn the lessons life throws your way the first time it does so, you will be forced/doomed to repeat your mistakes and learn those life lessons, over and over and over, with the stakes becoming higher and higher each time. The following is one life lesson I think I’ve finally learned. Nothing in life will ever happen the way you expect it to. Seriously. Ever. You can wrack your brain and exhausted every possible scenario that you ever imagine could possible be conceived. You will mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for every single one of these scenarios and arm yourself with the knowledge that your confidence, strength of character, and those deep breathing medititation exercises you spent the past 3 months honing will carry you through....
Read more

Just Sayin....

The air has become a thick wet blanket that lays over the city. The heat and humidity wrap around you as soon as you step outside and the smells that normally circulate the streets have become magnified and soupy. Rainy season is here. Went out for Mexican last night with some friends, and found myself sipping beer on the streets at 1am, smoking a cigarette and reminicing about Nirvana, Mos Def, Pearl Jam and MJ. The mosquitoes here are not normal mosquitoes. They are mutants sent from the planet Insect Revenge to wreak havoc on us poor unsuspecting expats, who foolishly did not stock up on OFF! prior to leaving their countries of origin. My students actually laughed at me and my swollen arms and ankles and two of them suggested rubbing kimchi on the bites themselves to help them disappear faster. I told them I was going to rub kimchi on their faces if they actually thought I would fall for that. The next day one of the girls brought me a bottle of lotion to help “not have red and puff...
Read more

Boys will be boys

I’m feeling pretty good about the fact that it’s Friday. This week was one of non-stop stress, climaxing yesterday evening with an incident in one of my classes, involving me, a group of four thirteen year old boys and a serious flashback to a memory of me in junior high school. In this memory, which took place on a Wednesday afternoon (funny how stuff like that sticks with you), I was late for class and running down the hallway. I passed by a group of guys I knew in passing, who were undoubtably skipping class, who proceeded to chase me down said hallway, barking at the top of their lungs. You know. Cause I’m ugly. Like a dog. Get it? I ended up missing class because I was holed up in the girl’s washroom, bawling my face off, and too scared to come out in case they were waiting for me outside the door. This is a moment for me; I’d just like to point out. I just revealed an incredibly humiliating memory, and am allowing myself to be brutally honest with the three of you who actually re...
Read more