The Luckiest Girl in the World.
When I first moved back to Calgary after completing my degree at the University of Victoria, I was in the midst of something of a nervous breakdown. For those of you wondering why, I have two words for you. Theatre. Program.
Nuff said.
Regardless of my mental stability, or perhaps because of it, the decision to move back here was a hard one to make. I had spent the better part of 4 years in Victoria and had secured a life out there. I had an apartment, more then that a home, one of the only places I have ever really felt at home aside from the house I grew up in. I had friends, good friends, some of the best friends I had ever and will ever make in my whole life. I had a job, no easy feat in a town as small and overrun with students as Victoria (granted it was at Blockbuster video, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers). In short I had built a life for myself there and now that the biggest part of my life out there was swiftly drawing to a close, that being school (which, lets be honest, deserves an entire separate blog itself), I had some important decisions to make. That was not a happy time for me. I had only once before felt as alone as I felt then. I felt like a carpet was being dragged, not ripped, but dragged out from underneath me, not fast enough for it to be a shock, but slow enough for me to understand how much things were about to change. I remember a conversation I had on the phone with my dad, I was crying, trying to express to him how confused, angry, saddened, and just plain exhausted I felt. I remember saying to my dad that all I wanted, just for a little while was for someone to take care of me. (For anyone who knows me, you can appreciate how difficult this was for me to admit to anyone) My dad said to me,
“Steph, come home then. We’ll take care of you”
So that’s what I did. A hug at the airport, a warm bed, a million and five little and not so little gifts, and patience while I figured out the next step. I’m not sure what I did to deserve the family I received, but I’m not nearly as grateful on a day to day basis as I should be.
Returning to Calgary was a funny thing. I had grown up here, in a sense, and then moved away to do a whole lot more growing up. Now that I was back, the city felt familiar, yet alien to me. Most of the people I had been friends with were gone, or I wasn’t I touch with anymore. I was grateful for the solitude at first but as time wore on, I wondered what the next step was. Where I was to go now that my grace period was done.
What follows next is a blur of various apartments, roommates, random relationships, and theatre that gave more to me then I ever expected.
And somehow, by some miracle, I got from there to here. And I find myself, yet again, saying goodbye to a life I’ve made, friends I’ve grown close to and a family that’s always, always been there for me. And the same questions are there: Am I making the right decision? What does this mean for my future? How will I survive without being surrounded by the people I love? What will happen to my friendships when distance is put between us?
It’s some how comforting to have the same questions arise though. Somehow good to feel the same anxieties and fears that I felt years ago. Because back then I didn’t know if I was making the right decision, but I made it anyway. And it turns out, it was. The bigger the risk, the scarier the decision, the more you have to gain from just doing it anyway. I’m ready to do this. Again.
And I know that by the grace of God, if I need to come home, when I need to come home, my family will still be there, where ever they are, willing to take care of me.
Nuff said.
Regardless of my mental stability, or perhaps because of it, the decision to move back here was a hard one to make. I had spent the better part of 4 years in Victoria and had secured a life out there. I had an apartment, more then that a home, one of the only places I have ever really felt at home aside from the house I grew up in. I had friends, good friends, some of the best friends I had ever and will ever make in my whole life. I had a job, no easy feat in a town as small and overrun with students as Victoria (granted it was at Blockbuster video, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers). In short I had built a life for myself there and now that the biggest part of my life out there was swiftly drawing to a close, that being school (which, lets be honest, deserves an entire separate blog itself), I had some important decisions to make. That was not a happy time for me. I had only once before felt as alone as I felt then. I felt like a carpet was being dragged, not ripped, but dragged out from underneath me, not fast enough for it to be a shock, but slow enough for me to understand how much things were about to change. I remember a conversation I had on the phone with my dad, I was crying, trying to express to him how confused, angry, saddened, and just plain exhausted I felt. I remember saying to my dad that all I wanted, just for a little while was for someone to take care of me. (For anyone who knows me, you can appreciate how difficult this was for me to admit to anyone) My dad said to me,
“Steph, come home then. We’ll take care of you”
So that’s what I did. A hug at the airport, a warm bed, a million and five little and not so little gifts, and patience while I figured out the next step. I’m not sure what I did to deserve the family I received, but I’m not nearly as grateful on a day to day basis as I should be.
Returning to Calgary was a funny thing. I had grown up here, in a sense, and then moved away to do a whole lot more growing up. Now that I was back, the city felt familiar, yet alien to me. Most of the people I had been friends with were gone, or I wasn’t I touch with anymore. I was grateful for the solitude at first but as time wore on, I wondered what the next step was. Where I was to go now that my grace period was done.
What follows next is a blur of various apartments, roommates, random relationships, and theatre that gave more to me then I ever expected.
And somehow, by some miracle, I got from there to here. And I find myself, yet again, saying goodbye to a life I’ve made, friends I’ve grown close to and a family that’s always, always been there for me. And the same questions are there: Am I making the right decision? What does this mean for my future? How will I survive without being surrounded by the people I love? What will happen to my friendships when distance is put between us?
It’s some how comforting to have the same questions arise though. Somehow good to feel the same anxieties and fears that I felt years ago. Because back then I didn’t know if I was making the right decision, but I made it anyway. And it turns out, it was. The bigger the risk, the scarier the decision, the more you have to gain from just doing it anyway. I’m ready to do this. Again.
And I know that by the grace of God, if I need to come home, when I need to come home, my family will still be there, where ever they are, willing to take care of me.
Comments
By the way, 9:35? I have to say, the university should really lament losing such a fine upstanding worker!
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