Stephanie in Suwon

So picture this: Seoul. Wednesday. 7am. The sun was just beginning to rise over the concrete jungle that I found myself walking in. I was on my way to work and had just stepped off the subway and was making my way through the maze of buildings and shops in an area known as Apgujeong, a ritzy little district that boasts the highest number of plastic surgery clinics per capita then anywhere else in Southeast Asia. Go Korea Go. I was feeling good; the sun was shining, a cool morning breeze was happening, I had a fresh cup of coffee in hand and my favorite Coldplay song in my ears. The streets were humming with the morning routines of its people and I, for one, was content to simply be a part of it all. In the midst of my musings, I somehow sensed commotion behind me and to my left. I was in the process of turning around when something struck me in the small of my back and my fresh cup of coffee was unceremoniously dumped all over the clean, white shirt I had chosen to wear that morning. ...

So here’s the thing. The thing is this. You can have life figured out as much as you want to or as little as you want to. There are times, regardless of meticulous planning and/or preparation, that it’s still going to kick your ass. There will always be curve balls, bird shit and/or ninja stars being propelled towards your head at any given moment, and I think it’s really more about accepting that inevitability then trying to avoid it altogether. And it’s all relative y’know? Being able to laugh at yourself when a bird shits on your head is one thing, being able to smile when a ninja star is embedded in your eye is another. But you can try. You can learn. You can dodge that curve ball….but there’s always going to be another one heading straight for you while your looking back at the one you just dodged, congratulating yourself on your narrow escape. After your heart has been through a few rounds, it’s only natural to be cautious about who you open up to. You can build up your defenses...

Need to know I don't wanna know Already know I've seen the signs I watch you as you pull yourself away from me Can't believe I wanna believe How can i believe You're making me doubt I thought i knew you I don't even know myself I'm losing faith I'm losing all faith You're breaking my heart Breaking my heart You're breaking my heart again Don't ask me to start Ask me start Don't ask me to start again Start again I wanna fight Afraid to fight Why don't i fight And make you see I hold my breath And disappear inside myself I'm losing strength, i'm losing all strength You're breaking my heart Breaking my heart You're breaking my heart again Don't ask me to start Ask me to start Just don't ask me to start again Start again Oh you're breaking my heart again Don't ask me to start Ask me to start Just don't ask me to start again Start again No Oh no no I'm losing you I'm losing, oh, you

Fear. Anger. Sadness. Loneliness. Night. Dark. Stars. White. Angel. Grace. Love. Going… Going… Run. Stop. Walk. Shout. Scream. Tears. Hot. Cold. Hands. Feet. Stand. Sit. Pace. Sigh. Cry. Laugh. Wish. Hope. Know. Deal. Breathe. This is going to be……

So I’m here. Again. Seoul is even better then I remembered it. Loud, busy, energetic and humming with it’s distinct soju-soaked vibe. Rhinestones wink at me from the hundreds of stalls lining the streets and I have to exercise large amounts of self-restraint not to stop and examine every table I pass. The air is just as humid as I remembered. It lays across my shoulders like a snake, wrapping itself around my neck and filling my nose and mouth with its thick wetness. The heat of summer has yet to seep into the city’s cracks. I am grateful for this small mercy. The sounds and smells make me feel as though I have never left. The cool air and the roar of the subway underneath it all bring me back and snap me into the present at the same time. Travel can be surreal. My decision to return to the land of the morning calm was multi-layered and complicated, much like myself. Chatting with a certain someone recently, I was reminded of something I discovered the last time I was here. About sayin...

I’ve had a few reality checks today. They suck. I am leaving on a jet plane in 7 hours. In an airport or on a plane for the following 21 hours. Awesome. So much to say. Too much to write. For now. Big breath. Here I go.

Still haven’t started packing yet. Yeah me. Can I just take a break from being sarcastically verbose and hilariously scintillating for a moment here (because I know that’s how you all think of me…deep down…deep, deep down somewhere at least…. right???) and be serious for a second? I’m having a bit of a freak-out about leaving again. It’s like fucking déjà vu all over again (redundant I know) and I’m reacting quite strongly and unexpectantly to this whole situation. Yes, I realize this time will be different. In a million little and not so little way. The time frame is far shorter; the end date is already in sight. I am not jumping into this blind; I will have as good a grasp on the situation as one can hope for with something like this. I have people there to meet me, hang out with, and confide in. And yet. I woke up in the middle of last night, heart in my throat, gasping for air, panic in my chest like black water. It took me ages to realize I was having an anxiety attack and even l...

I tried to make cupcakes yesterday. Sigh. Moving on….. Two weeks today, at this exact moment, I will be flying over the Pacific Ocean on my way back to Seoul, South Korea. Have I wrapped up all the loose ends that life has a way of fraying at this current juncture in preparation for 3 months overseas? Am I prepared, emotionally, mentally, physically even, for the onslaught of journeying so far, yet again, away from all I find comfortable and familiar? Have I even begun to pack? What do you think?