Needing a visit from the sandman......

Still haven’t started packing yet.
Yeah me.
Can I just take a break from being sarcastically verbose and hilariously scintillating for a moment here (because I know that’s how you all think of me…deep down…deep, deep down somewhere at least…. right???) and be serious for a second?
I’m having a bit of a freak-out about leaving again. It’s like fucking déjà vu all over again (redundant I know) and I’m reacting quite strongly and unexpectantly to this whole situation. Yes, I realize this time will be different. In a million little and not so little way. The time frame is far shorter; the end date is already in sight. I am not jumping into this blind; I will have as good a grasp on the situation as one can hope for with something like this. I have people there to meet me, hang out with, and confide in.

And yet.
I woke up in the middle of last night, heart in my throat, gasping for air, panic in my chest like black water. It took me ages to realize I was having an anxiety attack and even longer to calm down enough to lie down again and try to relax. Sleep is something that has been avoiding me like the fucking plague as of late, and last nights little experience did not help matters much.
I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what it is, but something is bothering me. And the close I get to D-Day (Departure day), the most anxious I’m feeling.
Travel is something I’m hoping will become regular part of my life in the next decade or so. Parts of Europe for sure, the Mediterranean, and Egypt are all on the list as is a return to Cambodia. It’s not the going places that’s bothering me.
It’s the leaving part.

I think I’m ready to settle down. In the grander sense of the word. I want something stable I my life, a goal, an end point, something to work towards. A home, not just a place to live, a circle of friends I can surround myself with that don’t rely on Skype to keep us connected.
I think I’m ready to settle down.
I also think I’m going to vomit…
I never thought I’d actually think these thoughts, utter those words. The very idea of “settling down” always caused a knee-jerk eye roll from me, a small sigh of thanks that I would never want that.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking marriage, kids, and the white picket fence. I haven’t changed THAT much.
But I have changed. There’s no doubt about that. For better or for worse is apparently yet to be determined.

I’ll tell you one thing though, one thing I know I’ve learned. Change, for better, for worse, positive or negative, might not always be welcome….but in the bigger picture, it’s almost always necessary. And in the end… can only hope that as we look back at the road that’s taken us all the way to the magical place called “Who We Hope To Be”, we’ll think…..we’ll know… was all worth it.
Cause if it’s not….I’m going to be pissed.


Vivian said…
I hear you...

I spent my whole year in Korea wishing I was closer to family and friends, longing for the day I'd go back to my cozy Montreal apartment, buy some decent furniture, and have a regular life and hang out with my friends daily. I even made a list of things I was looking forward to.

Then I got to Montreal, and I have all that, but somehow I think I could leave again... but I cannot keep doing this back and forth... I'm 29 after all, somehow I feel the same way you do. Get some sleep!!
Anonymous said…
Great stuff...
i like this post...
thanks for sharing....

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