Inner Struggles and Vodka Tonics...Discuss.
A good friend of mine recently moved to my hometown, a good city, but a far cry from her own personal comfort zone and a scary step in what is known as “personal and professional growth”, or what I like to call, “stepping up to the motherfuckin plate and doing what you’re afraid to do”. She is an incredibly talented writer, playwright and actor, one who I am proud to say I knew when, and even prouder to say I still know. She is currently pursuing her Masters degree at the University of Calgary. Smart, talented, funny, witty, possibly one of the best senses of humor I’ve ever encountered, oh and did I mention she’s gorgeous? And did I also mention the fact that the main reason she decided to pursue a career in Calgary was for her boyfriend? A boyfriend who decided mid-way through this transition that he just wasn’t feeling up to it, and proceeded to bail? I guess finding yourself is a noble quest to embark upon….after all, you wouldn’t want to do anything silly like buy a house, get a university degree or become involved in a serious relationship until you’ve done that...oh wait. Being the sassy, strong woman that she is, she made her way into the heart of the west, armed with books, her laptop and a bottle of Gin. I adore hearing her updates on life, art and how her drinking problem is going. And I admire her for continuing on without a safety net, for doing something she is afraid of doing, and for being brave even when it feels like she might have made the wrong decision.
Screen flips to me, in Korea, drinking wine (they don’t have gin here……..pray for me), prepping for classes where it seems the students could care less how much work I actually do, attempting to communicate with people who smile and nod at the strange pale girl who talks so funny when all I want is change for my dollar so I can use the pay phone to try and call home. I call my friend, who is a million miles away from me, different cities, different countries, different lives, different risks, yet somehow, to me, our problems seem similar, and I can relate to what she’s saying on so many levels. Feelings of alienation, overwhelmed with new and challenging work, long hours, a new found respect for intoxicating substances. I wonder, she wonders….did we make the right decision?
I look at Meg, and how strong she is, how much stronger she’ll be for taking on this crazy, scary, amazing ride regardless of who’s with her or not. And how in the end, everything happens for a reason, who your with, where you end up, is all part of a much bigger picture. It’s so easy for me to see these things with her, to see with certainty how talented and strong she is, and how her creativity and art will make any struggle she has worth living through.
I look at myself, at what I am struggling with; the language barrier, which is worth a blog itself, a new culture, a new life and new expectations of others and myself within that life. I am struggling with myself because I am my own worst critic, and how I care about the kids I teach, and how well I am teaching them.
Sometimes, even when it’s all said and done, I think, it can all still feel very wrong. But that doesn’t mean that it is. Things in my life that have felt very very right, have come crashing down around my head, leaving me standing a pile of rubble scratching my head, and wondering what went wrong, And things that I have not thought twice about and ended up blundering through anyway have somehow become some of the best stuff I’ve ever done. Life is a little messed up that way.
That’s when those intoxicating substances come in handy. Coping mechanisms are always a good thing….especially mixed with tonic water and a little bit of lime☺.
The transition is still not done. For either of us. And I’m ok with that.
One day at a time.
One day at time.
Love you Meggie☺.