Out of the frying pan......

It was a strange feeing at first, like a pressure in my chest that didn’t move or lessen no matter how many deep breathes I took. It moved up into my throat and mouth, tasted metallic, and bitter. I blinked and the world swam, white spots danced in the corners of my vision, and I couldn’t breath. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch something, someone. I wanted to breath and I couldn’t. I wanted to scream but I didn’t. I wanted to punch someone or something but my arms felt frozen, tingling and dead. There was only one more option left to me. Let me tell you, crying while not being able to breath is not something I am going to recommend. It was like a dam broke inside of me and everything was pouring. Things I didn’t realize I had been thinking were swimming out of me, feelings I didn’t realize were in me became torrential, and it suddenly became clear how very far I was from where I had thought I would be, now, in this moment in my life. I am in the middle of something I didn’t realize I had been creating…and I have no idea what it is, or what it will turn out to be.

I am a thousand miles away from life, as I know it. I have uprooted myself from everything I could rely on, take comfort in, and feel good about. Someone who hates to travel flew for 17 hours straight and lost a day and a half not to mention more then a little of her sanity. Someone who recently rediscovered her passion and adoration of theatre has come to a place where opportunities to channel her artistic energy are non-existent. Someone who was beginning to feel and form actual friendships with members of her family is now halfway across the world from them. Someone who was starting to put down roots and strengthen ties has severed cords and cut strings. And to be constantly reminded of everything that friends and family are doing, of the fact that life does, in fact, go on without you, of everything you left and everything you miss. And to see all this, to feel all this, in one blinding instant, is overwhelming, devastating, and utterly terrifying.

I wish there were words to describe how amazing my wonderful man was during all this. He was there. In every way I needed him to be.


Being an alien does have it’s perks at times…..walking through the streets of Suwon with swollen eyes and mascara streaks, clutching to the handle of the payphone with whitened knuckles, and after a phone call that made me feel better and worse at the same time, wandering home wearing the dazed look of emotional exhaustion and not a single eyebrow was raised. Crazy white girl.
Indeed.







Unbeknownst to me, the troops had been rallied, unexpectantly and most welcome, and 3 hours later I crawled into bed, head pounding, but my heart calmer. And I’ve been in a daze since, brief interruptions aside.
Allow me to clarify one thing though. I am, as previously stated; nowhere near where I imagined I would be at this moment in my life. This is not to say I am under the impression that I am not where I am supposed to be. Quite the opposite. I think that’s part of the problem. I fear I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, at this moment, in my life.
A loud, sarcastic, loves to laugh, wannabe blonde pin-up girl, loved by a man who might possibly be the most wonderful person on the planet, who adores girlfriends, rain, chocolate ice cream and the color purple, living in a land where no one understands her, attempting to relate to/enjoy the company of children who are by definition, crazy.
Out of the frying pan…..into the fire.
Sigh.
You know it’s bad when you think back to a time where the norm was a constant state of emotional upheaval, when drinking was considered a contact sport, and being told to try it again, this time with some talent……and long for “The Good ol’Days”